Writing a memoir is both daunting and rewarding. It asks you to sift through your past, revisit the moments that shaped you, and find words that carry truth and meaning.

When I first began writing my coming-of-age memoir set on a North Carolina farm, I had no idea what I was doing or where to start. What I discovered along the way is that memoir is not about having everything figured out from the beginning. It’s about trusting the process and letting the story emerge bit by bit. Each lesson I learned has deepened my writing and my understanding of myself, my family, and the memoir writing process.

Here are ten lessons from my journey that may help guide yours:

1. Just Begin.

You may be unsure of what to write, but you have a story only you can tell. It’s brick by brick, word by word, memory by memory, page by page until you find your way. All you need to do is start writing.

I began dabbling with my memoir by writing about past life events without thinking much about my goal or final product. Through the writing, I recognized the importance of the past and its shaping influence on me. I gained a new understanding of myself and family members that I never would have if I had not reflected on past events in my life and wrote about them.

2. Choose key events in your life to write about.

As soon as you can, try to determine the part of your life that will establish the subject and parameters of your memoir. As you reflect on turning points in your life, begin a list of events that most shaped or affected you and start writing about each event in scenes.

I had written considerable material before I realized the focus of my memoir. Its theme, parameters, and subject emerged through the writing process. Eventually, I culled material that no longer supported the focus, but nothing has been lost. I can repurpose cut pages, and I gained insights into my life while I practiced memoir writing and learned more about crafting a narrative.

3. Overcome reticence and fear that will show up as emotional distance between you as narrator and your reader.

Your impulse may be to hold back and protect yourself. It’s hard to expose yourself, but the more you can be true to yourself and write with honesty, the stronger your story will be.

As an introvert who values privacy, I discovered that my narrator prefers to be a fly on the wall rather than an active agent in her life. Revealing my truths on the page proved difficult, probably because of a lifetime habit of suppression—of my voice and behaviors that might displease others or cause conflict. I am learning to be more authentic on the page, realizing that the more truth I reveal, the stronger my writing and the more engaging my story.

4. Become a lifetime learner, especially of memoir writing and the craft of narratives.

Writing a memoir is not an innate skill, but numerous helpful books, mentors, groups, websites, podcasts, media, and some powerful memoirs exist to help you learn.

I enjoy taking courses, listening to podcasts, and reading newsletters and books addressing strategies for crafting memoirs and narratives, including dialogue, characterization, structure, arc, scene, and voice. I have also learned from memoirists who have tread this path already.

5. Join a local or online writer’s group.

A writing community, no matter where you find it, can help you.

My writer’s group formed from a small group of memoir student writers who met for months and shared pages. When our memoir course ended, a few writers continued meeting online to discuss our work. We understood each other’s stories and goals, and we trusted each other to provide honest, supportive feedback and encouragement. This group has been invaluable as writing companions and as friends.

6. Consider hiring a professional editor if you have clarity about the kind of feedback you want and need.

When you think you’ve taken your manuscript as far as you can on your own, a professional editor can help. Be sure to research the services offered by different kinds of editors, then determine the specific feedback or service you need, and carve out a budget to hire support.

Too early in my memoir process, I hired a developmental editor after I completed what I thought was a solid manuscript. Unsure about needed revisions, I sought a fresh perspective. The editor provided many suggestions that stymied me, resulting in doubts about the entire project. I lost confidence in my abilities and in the memoir, and I lost time as I became immobilized by uncertainties. Looking back, in my eagerness to move forward, I lacked clear expectations when I hired an editor and became so confused, I nearly gave up the project.

7. When you feel overwhelmed, take a break.

We all have finite emotional, physical, and psychological capacity. Be sure to honor your body, emotions, brain and other needs.

Some life events can be difficult, even traumatizing, to write about. Physical and emotional scars cover old wounds that threaten to burst open. Writing about events that created pain or shame can trigger those same feelings from long ago. At times, I have been unable to write, even think about my memoir for days, weeks, or, sadly, even months. If I chastise myself, I create more shame, so I try to be kind to myself. I take breaks from writing when I need to. Fortunately, I am learning to recognize and strategize for these times.

8. Don’t let breaks continue too long. Find ways to reengage and regain enthusiasm for your memoir.

Sometimes, obstacles to our writing should be faced head on to move them out of the way. Once you realize that your inner critic, difficult memories, or fear of rejection by readers or relatives are blocking your voice and your truth, you can plan ways to get back to your story. Courses, counselors, and journaling all can help.

The longer I’m away from the memoir, the more I want to avoid it, so I have learned to find ways to reengage. Enrolling in a memoir-related course works for me. Wise instructors and course assignments enable me to work on the memoir with decreased dread. With a less personal, sideways approach to the writing, I can face the page again. Such breaks become shorter as I better understand my resistance.

9. Revise, revise, revise.

Make your writing the best it can be by rewriting, shaping, and honing to intensify scenes, increase emotional impact, and enable readers to enter the world of your memoir.

As I learn more about memoir writing and practice the genre, I am better able to assess my work and determine what stays, what goes, what should be added, and what should be moved. Each draft is a learning experience. I don’t claim to be an expert, but my goal is to improve my skills and the manuscript.

10. Don’t give up until you’ve done your best to complete your memoir goal.

I repeat, please don’t give up. Yes, it’s hard. You may have little support. But only you have lived your life. Only you can share it.

I began my memoir by writing brief vignettes about my childhood. Those efforts led to a desire to write a full-length narrative. As the work progressed, I wanted to complete the manuscript to the best of my ability. That goal evolved into an aspiration to publish, to share my farm childhood with readers to entertain, enlighten, and help anyone facing hard-to-overcome struggles. No matter the outcome of my memoir journey, I’m glad I have undertaken it. It has enriched me, humbled me, and increased my understanding of what has shaped me and continues to influence my life. Writing my memoir has been its own reward.

10 Lessons I Learned While Writing My Farm Girl Memoir